How to Connect With Your Child and Redirect Behavior Positively
Zuleyka Lopez Lisojo | LICSW
Everything begins with the connection you develop with your children.
There is no effective redirection of behavior without a genuine connection with your son or daughter. It takes more than threats for your child to want to behave in the expected way, for the right reasons. In the book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain that “punishments and punitive reactions are often actually counterproductive, not only when it comes to brain-building, but also when it comes to getting kids to cooperate.”
Discipline with love
At some point all of us have made mistakes when it comes to disciplining. We have been too strict and then felt bad about ourselves for taking such a rigid stance. If you have felt this way, it means you know there is another way to discipline that does not involve punishment. It is through a secure connection, a trusting relationship, and displays of affection that your child’s brain develops. Put simply, the more love there is, the greater the chances that your child will develop healthy self-esteem, a healthy brain capable of making healthy decisions, and creating healthy relationships. Love is never too much. I would like to go deeper into brain development, but I want to share with you other important aspects: how to connect with your son or daughter, and how to redirect their behavior.
How to connect with your child and redirect behavior
Knowing how to connect with your child and redirect behavior is essential for their development. From the birth of your son or daughter, their brain begins creating neural connections based on their interactions with you, other people, and the world around them. As their primary caregiver and source of nourishment, you begin to create that special bond, attachment. Your child quickly begins to identify you as that safe place where their needs are met. During the first twelve months, it is fairly easy to create this connection. Starting around fifteen months, your son or daughter begins to develop a certain curiosity and autonomy that tests your patience, because they are much more mobile and fast. When your child reaches preschool age, you may feel like you have a teenager at home wanting to exercise their will. After seven years old, your daughter may storm off upset to her room and slam the door. And not to mention adolescence: your son wants to play video games all day, and days go by without him taking a shower. Your young adult may still not have decided which professional career path they want to take. The connection with your son or daughter can look different at each stage of their development, just as the methods you use may vary.
There are certain general strategies you can use at every stage.
Show affection. Affection is not only spoken, it is shown. You can tell your daughter that you love her just the way she is, but then tell her that her hair looks like a spiderweb because she didn’t comb it before leaving for school.
Ask “What” or “Why.” Over the years I have heard the question “What on earth is wrong with you?” over and over again. It is a question that makes people feel like there is something wrong with them, that they are a problem. I invite you, when your child has inappropriate behavior, to ask, “What is going on?” or “What happened?” For example, if your son hit his sister, ask him: “It seems like you’re upset, what happened? Why are you upset?” Understanding your son or daughter is the beginning of connection so you can then correct, not punish. Siegel and Bryson (2018) also suggest you ask yourself “how/which”: “How can I teach?” or “Which is the best way to teach?”
Take a coach stance. Don’t just tell your child what they should do when facing a problem or situation. Once you understand the “why” behind the behavior, redirect it by exploring their options. Allow them to think of more than one alternative and choose for themselves. Allow them to fail and show that you are willing to help when they want your support.
Learning how to connect with your child and redirect their behavior in a positive way does not have to be extremely difficult. That is why I want you to break away from all the previous ways of thinking that equate punishment with discipline. The purpose of these strategies is to help your son or daughter be happy and self-sufficient, to learn to create and establish healthy relationships not based on threats and fear. We want them to learn how to solve conflicts and problems.
Reference: Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind.
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